Letters To Lisbon
by Meganp
Summary: Minor spoilers for My Blue Heaven. After killing Red John, Jane tries to come to terms with his past and the choices he has made. He decides to write to Lisbon to tell her some of the things that were left unsaid. Rated T for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This story has been inside my head ever since Matt posted the song he wrote for My Blue Heaven (whose name I shamelessly borrowed) and a friend on Twitter said that Letters To Lisbon would also be a good name for a band. I thought, "hey, it's a good name for a story too!" and this was born.

I wanted to remind you all that this is my first attempt to write a fiction after almost a decade so please, be kind. I'll rely on your reviews to decide if I should keep on writing this or not, so let me know what you think.

BTW, I own nothing. Trust me, if I had any influence on this show Jisbon would have happened ages ago. ;)

Ok, enough jibber-jabber. Here goes nothing!

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**CHAPTER 1:**

As the sea swelled and the sounds of nature filled his ears, Jane took a deep breath. He could almost taste the saltiness in the air as it filled his lungs completely. It was early in the morning and the beach was more deserted than usual, making him feel like the only man left on the planet.

That had become a too familiar feeling, he noted. Sure he went to town often enough and communicated with others well despite of his poor Spanish skills. However, loneliness was a constant companion creeping inside of him. He missed California. He missed her.

Sitting on the sand he stretched his legs completely, arms on his sides to support his weight. He thought about her often. He had always thought about her in the past, but somehow she'd become a constant presence in his thoughts since he arrived in this tropical paradise.

Maybe it was the setting; he always thought there was something incredibly romantic about the ocean. But lately it was as if every small thing had the power of reminding him of her. A scent, a sight, a song. The way soft green leaves wavered in the cool island breeze, its colors a reminder of her eyes.

He constantly thought about the things he'd say to her if he had the chance to look into those eyes again. He was a coward living in the shadows of fear back then, constantly dreading his feelings would doom her to the same faith Angela and Charlotte shared, when in truth all it did was sentence him to a life in isolation.

His heart clenched at the memory of his lost family. He'd have to be a hypocrite to say that killing Red John didn't bring him satisfaction… it did. He avenged the death of his loved ones and rid the world of a despicable human being as he choked the life out of that monster with his bare hands. However, while it did bring him some pleasure it didn't fill the void inside.

If he were honest with himself, he'd admit it actually made it bigger. Catching Red John had been his sole purpose in life for so long that the minute his quest was finally over he realized he had nothing left. No home, no dreams for the future, no one by his side.

His vengeance had forced him to give up the only person who mattered to him, the only thing that kept him sane.

Lisbon had been the only one who saw the darkness in him and stayed anyway. She sacrificed so much on his behalf and all he had done was demand more, hurt her more. He knew he didn't deserve her but that particular realization never kept him from needing her anyway.

Worse thing is he never got to tell her that.

Picking himself up and dusting the sand from his clothes, he stared into the horizon with determination.

Maybe it was time to do just that.

XXXXX

His place in the island sort of reminded him of his attic back in the CBI: there was a bed to sleep in, a small tea kettle, a few books and a desk. Well, the view was much better here, but this wasn't a competition after all.

Sitting down on his chair he grabbed a blank sheet and a pen. Where should he start? If he thought about it too much he knew he'd probably talk himself out of it soon enough.

Closing his eyes for a moment, he allowed himself to release the breath he unconsciously had been holding.

He'd just let his heart do the talking. He owed her that much.

_Dear Lisbon,_

_I hope this finds you well. I know you're probably worrying about me, as you always do, but I wanted to assure you I'm alright._

_I've finally settled in. I think you would like it here, although I have a feeling you would soon grow restless with the utter calmness that surrounds this place. _

_My time here has allowed me to reflect on life, something I had been neglecting for a long time._

_There are so many things I should have said to you; so much I should have done. By now I should be accustomed to regret, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for all the pain I put you through._

_You were the only beacon of light in my otherwise dark existence. Truth is you still are._

_Please be safe. _

_ Patrick_

He must have read his words a thousand times before licking the envelope shut. Although he meant every single thing he'd written, part of him was uncertain this was the right move. He was a wanted man and the FBI was probably keeping close tabs on her and the rest of the team in case he decided to reach out to any of them; the last thing on earth he wanted was to complicate their lives even further, especially when they've done so much for him already.

Sitting back on his chair he couldn't help but to think back on that final day; what Teresa, Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt had done for him was nothing short of amazing. He'd always known he could count on them, but the fact they put their careers on the line for him like that was a little bit overwhelming. It was an act of true friendship. A testament his Teresa was right: they truly were family.

_His_ _Teresa_. He wondered when that possessiveness had started.

They've been almost inseparable since the beginning. Not the _she_ wanted to, at first. It didn't take a genius to realize she'd rather work alone then have someone following her around like a lost puppy, but he just couldn't help it.

Then time passed by and they grew closer together. Early on he discovered that there was a lot more to Teresa Lisbon then what met the eye of the normal beholder, and he was anything but normal. So he did what he did best: he observed.

Not just small things like how she drank her coffee (black with enough sugar to make a diabetic shudder) or her favorite dish (a large steak with cheesy bacon potatoes on the side), but the things she thought she kept hidden from others, like the fact she blamed herself for not being as close to her brothers as she wanted to be or how much she wished she had a normal life.

Looking at the closed envelope on his hands, he couldn't help but wonder if he himself would ever have a normal life again. Maybe it was too late for him. Maybe his chance for normal had died the day Red John killed his family. Maybe his second (and probably last) chance to have a normal life had been destroyed the minute he walked away from her.

Yes, he could finally admit it now: he often dreamt about a life with Lisbon.

At first thoughts of them together appeared in the form of dreams, which he always quickly dismissed.

Then those subconscious thoughts started invading his awaken hours too, and he caught himself daydreaming about her more and more.

He'd wonder what it was like to slid his hands into the gentle waves of her hair, or to be able to count and kiss every single freckle on her body.

He often thought of how her lips would taste like and sometimes, just for fun, he'd create different scenarios where he would surprise her with a kiss only to catalogue every possible reaction she might have.

But those were just dreams. Back then he knew it was pointless trying to control them, but it didn't mean he was ready to act upon his desires either. It was too dangerous. Besides, he wouldn't be able to give her what she wanted, what she deserved.

And now… now Red John was gone and while part of the darkness in his life had dissipated, he still had a long path ahead of him.

Hopefully someday he'd be ready to completely move away from the shadows and build a new life for himself.

And if he is really lucky, she'll be by his side when that day comes.

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**AN:** So… what did you guys think? Should I keep on writing this? Please, please, please review and let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** I'd like to thank every single one of you who have reviewed, followed and/or favorite this story. You guys have no idea how much it means to me. :)

I apologize in advance if this chapter seem a bit OOC to some of you. The way I see it, Jane's exile in South America not only served the purpose of avoiding jail time, but was also a chance for him to come to terms with everything. That means facing his demons and being honest with himself. In my humble opinion, that's the only way to truly begin to heal…

**CHAPTER 2:**

_Dear Lisbon,_

_The heat wave has been going strong for the past few weeks. Sometimes it's so intense I find myself going for long walks on the beach in the middle of the night hoping the ocean breeze will soothe my skin._

_Those walks have become one of my favorite things to do. It's so peaceful. The only sounds louder than my thoughts are the ones coming from the crashing waves in the ocean._

_A small of routine is beginning to emerge in my days here. I usually start my mornings on Alfredo's seaside bar for breakfast. He's a nice guy, always with a smile on his face, although I'm pretty sure that my constant request for tea has caused him a frown or two. One thing is for sure: thanks to me he can now cook eggs to perfection. _

_Afterwards I usually take a walk around the island, familiarizing myself with every inch of it. Just the other day I saw a flock of cobalt-winged parakeets, their colors a dazzling array in the sky. Small creatures they are, but strong and graceful at the same time. Needless to say, they reminded me of you._

_Even surrounded by all this beauty, it still gets a little bit lonesome at times. I miss having someone to talk to since not many people around here speak English. Actually, even if the language wasn't a barrier I'm sure I'd still miss talking to someone who could truly understand me the way you do._

_Writing these letters makes me feel closer to you and I find myself anxious to sit down and tell you about all the things I'm seeing and doing, so forgive me if I end up boring you with my ramblings. _

_Please know I'm constantly keeping you in my thoughts. _

_I miss you,_

_Patrick_

_XXXXXX_

After finishing the letter, Patrick reached for his cup. His perfectly brewed tea had now gone stale, but he was too lost in thought to notice it.

He meant it when he said the letters made him feel closer to her. Truth is they were becoming a lifeline of sorts.

Staring into his cup, he shifted his gaze to the wedding band on his finger. Even after all these years he still wasn't sure he could let it go.

What first had been a symbol of his love for Angela had turned into a reminder of vengeance, and that had been okay for him back then. Wearing it not only honored their memory, but kept them alive in his heart.

It also served as a shield. How many times had he used it as an excuse for avoiding other women's advances? How many times had he hidden behind it?

Taking it off would have been seen as a sign he was ready to build a new life for himself, and that would be demeaning to his wife's memory.

Deep down he knew that was just another excuse. Angela was gone and knowing her the way he did, she'd probably be mad as hell at him for not moving on with his life.

He could almost hear her voice calling him a stubborn idiot and scolding him for, well, everything.

The memory of Angela brought a smile to his lips. Yes, she was a feisty one. She could drag him by balls and give him hell until he walked the line as far as she was concerned.

Teresa and Angie were a lot alike, he realized. Both had that 'take-no-prisoners' attitude, both had enormous hearts and both would move heaven and earth for ones they cared about.

Yes, he knew his Teresa cared about him. She's showed him that much about a thousand times. He on the other hand had always been the one who's done a poor job in returning the favor.

Now that Red John was gone, and he knew he needed to find meaning for his life. He had been hiding for too long and rationally he knew that there was no good reason for that; his family was gone and nothing could change that.

Besides, he was a man and he had needs. He missed having that special connection only found when you made love with a person you truly cared about. He hadn't had that since Angela died.

Lorelei had been a job, a con. He went through the motions and did what he had to do in order to get closer to Red John.

Even if sleeping with a minion had repulsed him, he would never apologize for it. It was very the least he could do for his family.

They were dead because of him after all.

Besides, through Lorelei he'd gotten one of the final pieces of the puzzle. The information she unknowingly gave him marked the beginning of the end for Red John, so even if he could go back in time he would probably do it all over again.

Rising from his chair, he dumped the contents of his mug into the small sink and then walked in the direction of his small balcony lost in thought.

While his own feelings about the entire Lorelei situation didn't matter, he couldn't help but regretting the pain it obviously caused Lisbon.

Yes she tried to hide it, but she had always had a lousy poker face. He could see how much hearing Lorelei call him 'lover' had hurt her.

In all honesty he knew it was a matter of time before she found out about it so yes, he should have told her beforehand. The thing was he had caused her so much pain in the past without meaning to… he just didn't want to do it knowingly.

He knew she was in love with him. He didn't know exactly when it had started, but he knew it was there.

Any normal man would have been flattered by being loved by Teresa Lisbon, but him being and a coward and a fool, was completely at loss.

He loved her too. He had loved her for a long time, only he pushed back his feelings because he couldn't allow them to surface. He had enough to deal with as it was, and love was just a too damn complicated thing to add to the pile.

Looking back, he first realized his feelings for her after the whole Mashburn incident. Hell, he never thought she would actually go for the guy. When he realized they had slept together, he couldn't help but feel the sting of jealousy burning deep within.

Of course, he justified it to himself as him simply being overprotective of his friend. Had he dug deeper, he wouldn't have been able to stick with that lame excuse.

The only time he actually allowed himself to truly examine the depth of his feelings for Teresa was during his stint in Vegas. Not because he thought it was finally time (actually it was the most inappropriate time he could possibly think of), but because he needed something to help him get through that whole ordeal.

Red John was to think he had lost his way but when you play a part for so long, it eventually plays you.

The drinking and the gambling were all part of the con, but they were partially real because it took his mind off from the longing and loneliness he felt.

He was supposed to cut all ties with Lisbon and the team, it was the only way it would work. He knew he couldn't contact any of them, but he kept his phone anyway.

First he listened to the messages she left on his voicemail for the sake of hearing her familiar voice.

Then he started playing them over and over again just because he missed her.

After a while listening to those messages had become too difficult of a task to do. He could hear the hurt in her voice and it started tearing him apart.

He had lost his home the day his family was killed, but he found something very close to it on Teresa and the team.

He forgot how many times he actually considered dropping everything in order to run back, to her begging for forgiveness or how many times he picked up the phone and stared at her number, the wish to talk to her almost too strong to bear.

He could feel his eyes begin to moist, the pressure inside his chest as fierce as it had been during his days in Vegas.

His time there didn't differ much from his time in the island, he noted. Both instances were filled with homesickness and loneliness, the main difference being that before he knew it would all eventually be over and now…

… Well, now least he had these letters. While they weren't much they were more than what he had had in the past.

While it was too risky sending them directly to her, he knew they were reaching their destination all the same; Pete would never fail him like that.

He would try to find solace imagining her expressions while reading them. He could only hope they brought her some level of comfort, and maybe a couple of smiles too.

Yes, tomorrow he would make sure this letter got to Lisbon but tonight… tonight he would fill his head with the images of her beautiful smile, hoping they'll be enough to lull him to sleep.

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**AN:** Ok, how about we shake things up next chapter? Let's see how Lisbon is taking all of this…


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **I have decided to do a little time-jump here. Apparently Heller is rubbing off on me or something!

Also this turned out to be a bit longer than the previous chapters, but what can I say? Lisbon is a complex lady.

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**CHAPTER 3:**

_Dearest Lisbon,_

_I thought I saw you today. I was walking by the local market on my way to Emilio's fruit stand when my subconscious mind decided to play a trick on me, conjuring a beautiful image of you as if you were standing right there instead of being miles and miles away. Turns out it was just a regular woman going about her daily business, and that there's still an entire ocean keeping us apart._

_Poor Emilio must have noticed the hopelessness in my expression, for he kindly offered me my entire purchase free of charge. As I'm sitting here writing to you I'm looking at the most delicious peaches, cherries and strawberries I have ever eaten; you definitely would enjoy them._

_While on the market something else caught my eye. You see, artisans here make the most incredible use of raw materials as seeds, beads, wood, precious metals & stones. There was one item in particular that reminded me of you; _

_These earrings are made of a nut called "Tagua" and their deep sea green color profoundly reminded me of your eyes. Such an exquisite beauty they are. _

_I hope you like them, and I most definitely hope you decide to keep them (they're no way near as expensive as those emeralds I got you years ago, so no reason to worry my dear)._

_I only wish I could see you wearing them. I'm sure you'll look as lovely as I imagine you will._

_Happy birthday,_

_Patrick_

_XXXXX_

She didn't notice the tears in her eyes until she saw one of them drop on the unfolded sheet in her hands, the moisture slightly staining the ink on the paper.

Leave it to Jane to write things that make any woman's heart skip a thousand bits at once.

He'd been sending her letters for over a year now, and each time she felt _as_ if she was meeting a totally different side of him.

She should not be surprised he remembered her birthday again. He always did. The earrings were lovely and out of all the crazy gifts she had gotten from him over the years, this was probably one of her favorites. Well, this and the pony, she thought.

Rising from her couch, she walked towards the mirror that hung on her living room wall to put them on.

'_Dammit Jane' _she thought with a sigh. They truly looked great on her, and while her eyes were still slightly red from crying minutes earlier, she could see that their shade of green was an exact match to the color of her eyes.

Going back to the couch, she picked up his letter once again and sat down, one leg curled beneath her body.

God she missed him. The fact he was a pain in her ass most the time he was around kept her from focusing on the depth of her feelings for him, but it is not as if they went unnoticed. Quite the contrary, actually.

She knew she loved him. Heck, she had been in love with him for years, only she was too much of a coward to admit it or to actually allow herself to think about it.

But sometimes… sometimes thoughts of him would invade her dreams or keep her awake at nights, torturing her with images of what she could never have.

Sean Barlow was right: she would lie in bed thinking of him more times she cared to admit.

It was a maddening mixture of feelings. There were times she would simply worry about him and his obsession with Red John; other times she would end up tossing and turning all night wondering about the taste of his lips and what would be like to be loved by him.

Leaning on the cushions, she thought back of the first time she ever saw him.

He looked… lost. Despite the fact that back then she firmly believed he had no place inside the CBI, she couldn't help but to feel protective of him.

The hurt he carried in his eyes and so masterfully tried to hide was all too familiar to her.

She knew about loss. She had lived through it when her mother passed; she had seen it in her brothers' expressions and had watched it consume her father until it finally took him away as well.

He was a man fighting a battle with his inner demons and while she couldn't help him with the pain, she could at least try to be more tolerant to his schemes.

Of course, there were times she'd just want to punch the crap out of him, she thought with a small smile. But still, soon enough she learned that utter annoyance was practically a given while working with Jane and worst, she'd come to expect it every single time.

It didn't take a genius to realize he was a deeply damaged man. He didn't talk much about his childhood, but it mustn't have been an easy one. Then he grew up and built his entire life around a lie only to witness the only part of that life that was real be taken away from.

He lost the two people in the world he loved the most and wrongly blamed himself for it.

While thinking he was directly responsible for what happened to his wife and child was completely irrational, she knew that guilt was a tricky thing to overcome.

Closure is a hard thing to achieve, and if there is one thing she learned while working as a cop was that it's even harder to get it when there's violence involved.

Even after all these years he still wore his wedding ring, and as far as she knew he had remained celibate for almost a decade until Lorelei had come along.

Lorelei Martins. That name brought back some dark memories.

Rising from her seat, she walked out of her living room and into the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine.

Jane's little stunt in Vegas had hurt her more than she cared to admit. One day he was there and on the other he had vanished into thin air, not bothering to give her any details whatsoever.

She knew he didn't own her any explanations. It's not like she was _his wife_ or anything, but dammit, she was his partner and she thought he saw her as a friend, too. The fact he left without as much as a proper goodbye left her heart in pieces.

In a way it was the distance that gave her clarity about her feelings towards him. Somewhere along the line she had fallen for Jane and not having him there hurt like a son of a bitch.

And to make matters worse, it had become clear to her that if he could just pick up and go like that, maybe their friendship didn't mean as much to him as she thought it did; maybe _she_ didn't mean much to him. And somehow that realization had stung more than she thought was possible.

She wanted to hate him for leaving. In a way, it would make things easier, so she tried. After crying her eyes out (and hating herself for doing just that), she decided she'd focus on her job and on exorcising Patrick Jane from her life. After everything they'd been through together, how dared he just leave her like that?

But she soon saw that her plan didn't work as well as it did in theory. She'd constantly think of him at all hours, wondering where he was and if he was well.

She'd listen to the police scanner at home and would worry sick every time she heard a description of someone with his features, fearing his innate troublemaking skills could have gotten him into trouble.

She looked for him everywhere and called every contact she could think of asking them to keep an eye out for him.

Then months passed by and she realized the reason why she couldn't find him was because he didn't want to be found after all.

She slept very little and she ate even less. When she started receiving worried looks from her coworkers, she invested more heavily on makeup to hide the dark circles under her eyes and bought herself a state of the art coffee maker.

Back then she prayed a lot for him, too. She'd ask God, her mother and the angels above to keep him safe, wherever he was. She'd ask them to bring him home to her.

And one day while she had been doing just that, her prayers were answered.

He crawled through the church on his hands and knees to scare the bejesus out of her and she knew she should be mad, but how could she? He was back. He was there.

Her traitorous heart sped up with having him near once again, and right then she knew she was doomed.

Then he told her he loved her, took it back, and the whole Lorelei crap storm happened.

She still wasn't sure about the part the other woman had played in Jane's life. He told her she was just a means to an end but with Jane you could never be sure.

While she had always known that he was a conman, to this date she still refused to believe that the Jane she knew - the man who wrote her these beautiful letters - would be capable of such a cold and heartless act.

Maybe he had felt something for her. He never talked about his time in Vegas or how the other woman came into his life, but there had been more to his obsession for her than the fact she was one of Red Johns "friends".

And while he denied it, she was almost sure he had something to do with her escape from prison; plus, she knew for a fact he had been working with her before she betrayed him and went away on her own to catch the monster.

She could still remember the chill that went up her spine the moment she learned about the other woman's faith. All she could think at that moment was that it could easily have been Jane, and that thought was too terrifying to entertain.

Nothing could have prepared her to witness his reaction to the crime scene. His words still rung in her ears.

_'She had it coming'_ he said.

Despite her own feelings for Lorelei, Lisbon was raised better than to speak ill of the dead. Lord knows whatever sins she had committed on this earth, nobody deserved to die like that.

Hearing Jane utter those words had scared her. She could see he was hurt and disappointed, but there was also a coldness in his tone she had never witnessed before. Was it anger at her betrayal or could it have been a way to disguise his sorrow? She probably would never know.

All she knew was that he was different after that. Not that many people would notice it, only those who cared to look close enough.

And she did. She could see the changes in him just like she could see the changes in herself; only when it came to her, she wasn't sure anyone noticed it.

She tried to talk to him, begged him to let her in but he simply wouldn't have it. He shut himself into that stupid attic and only on rare occasions would join her in the land of the living.

Most times he would keep her in the dark and on rare occasions he would toss her some crumbles, which she gladly (and foolishly) took without complaining.

She couldn't help it. She had to be there for him, not only because of love for him but also because she knew he had no one else. Well, at least no one who cared for him the way she did.

Maybe she should have done things differently. Maybe she should have tried harder to put him in line, to tame him. She'd seen others try to do that and fail miserably; hell, in the past _she _had tried and failed as well but maybe - just maybe - if she had done a better job things could have been different.

Maybe they would eventually have found another way to capture Red John. Maybe he wouldn't have sacrificed his own freedom for vengeance. Maybe they'd still be together. Maybe.

Who was she kidding? Jane was a force of nature. Stirring trouble was part of his essence, and pain in the ass or not, she loved him for who he was.

Refilling her glass, she walked over to the window that overlooked her back yard.

God, she missed him.

She could still remember how her nerves had almost gotten the best of her while she was sitting in that chair back at the CBI building, watching her phone incessantly ring. All she could think was that Jane could be needing her and there was nothing she could do about it. It nearly drove her insane.

Listening to the message he left her had both, soothed her heart and broken it at the same time. He was ok, she was grateful for that; but he was also saying goodbye.

_'It's over'_, he said.

And it was over, indeed.

Some days she felt as if her life was happening slow-motion. She could see people moving around, but she couldn't understand any of it. It took the FBI a while to sort through the entire mess and bodies Jane had left behind, and it took them a while longer to clear her name as well as Cho's, Rigsby's and Grace's.

Thinking about her old team also made her heart clench a little. Back then they were more at loss than she was, she realized.

They'd all been swept up by the Red John hurricane, and after it was over they were forced to deal with the wreckage around them without knowing for sure where to start, where to go or what was left of it all.

She was glad it had all worked out for them; Rigsby and VanPelt were starting a promising business and were as happy as ever: Grace was now 8 months pregnant with a baby girl and she couldn't be happier for them. Cho was in the middle of his training in Quantico and she knew she had nothing to worry about: he was an extremely competent agent and would be an incredible asset to the Bureau. She made sure Abbott knew that before signing her official resignation.

As for herself… she supposed she was fine for the time being.

Being on the point for the Red John investigation had earned her a lot of attention, and even though she was now known as the agent who led the team that eventually ended the serial killer's reign of terror, the whole Blake Association mess was enough to make sure no law enforcement agency would want to have anything to do with her.

So there she was, jobless and living out of her relatively substantial savings, which meant she had a lot of time on her hands and was slowly going insane.

And then she received his first letter, and her heart fluttered all the way up her throat.

She couldn't believe her eyes at first. She had just gotten home from another job interview that was going nowhere when she found a blank envelope in the middle of her usual correspondence.

The first thing she noticed as she opened it up was the familiar handwriting. As she started reading the words, her hands began to shake. It was really him. He had remembered her.

Without thinking about it she lowered herself to her living room floor, her legs suddenly too unsteady to support her weight. Smiling through teary eyes, she soaked in every single word he'd written her.

He was ok. And he missed her.

As weeks passed by, she started receiving the letters regularly. The lack of mailing information indicated someone else had been receiving them and carefully switching envelope to make sure she didn't get into any trouble in case the Feebs realized he was contacting her. He was wanted for murder after all, and she could be accused of complicity if anyone found out about it.

_Oh, Jane _she thought with a smile. Always one step ahead of everyone.

But anyway, who could it be? Jane had his contacts, but she couldn't think of anyone else he'd trust with such critical information as of his whereabouts.

Then it came to her: his carnie friends.

During the whole Danny ordeal she'd seen firsthand how loyal the carnie folk could be. It only seemed fitting Jane would turn to them for such task.

Thanks to Jane she now had something to look forward to on her otherwise dull days. He once mentioned the letters made him feel closer to her, and that was exactly the way she felt about them too.

There was something else about those letters, she mused. He was more open with her in paper than he had ever been in person, and she cherished that above everything else.

Taking a deep breath she slightly turned her head to gaze the open envelope currently sitting on top of her couch.

While she had become an expert in pushing back her feelings as far as Jane was concerned, this new side of him was making this a much harder task to accomplish.

What was she waiting for? Sure, he probably still had a lot to figure out but it wasn't like he didn't care for her. If anything, his letters proved quite the contrary.

Also, she owned it to herself. What did she have to lose?

Placing her now empty glass on the window ledge, she walked back to her living room with new determination. Picking up the letter, she stared at it for a moment before slightly squeezing the paper against her chest.

She would find him. Wherever he was, she'd go to him and tell him exactly how she felt. Whatever happened after that was up to him. Worst case scenario, she would know.

No more hiding, no more doubts, no more maybes.

It was time… and it was long overdue.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **Just a heads up: what I really meant by "minor spoilers for My Blue Heaven" was that I would basically borrow some of the events, lines and characters from that episode to use them in an AU-ish kind of way. Nothing too farfetched, I promise. Just enough to create some mean plot twists. ;)

Also, a big thanks to the guests who reviewed last chapter. Hopefully you guys will enjoy this one!

* * *

**CHAPTER 4:**

Once FBI Special Agent Kim Fisher received her assignment, she foolishly thought it would be a no-brainer. She'd gone undercover numerous times over the years and dealt with all kinds of dangerous criminals, so what trouble could Patrick Jane be?

She had read his file. Sure, he had killed more than once and had managed to successfully avoid capture for over a year, but frankly it wasn't like anyone in the world would miss scumbags like Red John. Besides, she had seen nothing there that indicated he was a vile human being. Manipulative, narcissist and hell-bent on revenge? Yes. Evil and threatening? No.

The intel the Bureau had provided her with said this was one of his regular spots, so all she had to do was act casual and wait.

About twenty minutes after she had arrived he walked in and well - apart from the whole beach bum look - she realized the pictures attached to his file hadn't done him any justice.

Thinking about a way to approach him, she hid her surprise when he beat her to the punch

"Hi" he said with a soft smile

"Hello"

"From the U.S.?"

"You weren't fooled by my impeccable Spanish?" she said nonchalantly

"No. Anyway... you're reading. Sorry."

Ok, now she had to think of something. Still pretending to read her book she quickly thought about a way to keep the conversation going when, once again, he spoke first.

"Thing is, uh, I miss speaking English." he said

_Now wasn't that something?_ she mused. Apparently, she had her work cut out for her.

He kept speaking and she kept playing it cool, although she was slightly amused at his desperation to make small talk.

After inquiring about her book, she couldn't help herself and decided to poke him a little.

"You like murder mysteries?" she asked

"Not really."

"Then you probably won't like it."

"Well, I'll take it anyway. Beggars can't be choosers, can they?"

"No, they can't."

_Indeed you can't Mr. Jane,_ she thought with smile crossing her lips. God, he had no idea what was coming.

Minutes later they were taking a stroll on the beach, relishing the warm feeling of the soft sand against their toes.

Kim noticed that there was something uneasy about the way he carried himself, a shyness in the way he spoke. It was as if he wasn't sure about, well, anything.

It had nothing to do with the man her boss had briefed her about.

Besides, she had always taken pride on being a good judge of character. The Patrick Jane walking beside her seemed honest enough. A little mysterious, maybe, but it wasn't like she was expecting him to be an open book. Quite the opposite, really.

They spent most of the morning together getting to know each other, and if she were to be honest with herself she'd admit he actually made pretty good company.

After he received a phone call she knew he'd be living soon and worst, she had a good idea why.

Abbott had promised to stay out of her way until she debriefed, which she obviously hadn't done yet. The fact he was meddling now was a bit frustrating, especially because sending her in as bait had been his plan to begin with.

One thing she knew about her boss was that while he was one of the most competent agents she had ever met, he sorely lacked in the patience department.

Sensing their time together was coming to an end, she decided to take it up a notch and play a little more aggressive.

"Hey, um, but I was wondering - do you, uh, know a good place around here for dinner?"

"Are you asking me out for dinner?" he asked genuinely surprised.

"Yeah." she replied "I figure you'll know a good place where the locals go."

He looked like a deer in the headlight, and she couldn't help but think it was kind of endearing seeing him so uncomfortable at the prospect of being asked out on a date by her.

After they agreed on the time and place to meet, she decided to head back to her hotel. She needed to find her boss and figure out what the heck he was up to.

XXXXX

Tracking down the carny circuit hadn't been so easy, but eventually Lisbon found what she was looking for.

She knew the real challenge would lie in getting something out of Pete and Sam. She'd seen how mistrustful they were when it came to cops (even though she wasn't technically a cop anymore), and now that Jane was wanted for murder she anticipated she would have a hard time convincing them she had his best interests at heart.

Besides, there was a good possibility Pete would still resent her for that whole handcuffing-him-to-his-truck incident.

Oh well, that was his problem. She was here to get some answers and she wouldn't leave without them.

Getting out of her car she walked towards the camping site and was greeted by a pretty woman in her late twenties.

"May I help you, officer?"

_Godammit not this crap again!_ she thought. Was there a sign in the middle of her forehead or something?

Choosing to ignore the 'officer' part, she asked.

"I need to talk to Pete."

"I don't know who that is, _officer_." Her pitch a little higher pronouncing that last word.

"Oh cut the 'officer' crap! I'm not a cop, not anymore. I'm looking for Pete and I know he's around here somewhere so if you're not going to help me find him you better get off my way so I can search for him myself."

Lisbon knew she'd catch more flies with honey, but the other woman's condescending attitude was enough to make her lose her temper.

Instead of being angry at her rudeness, the young woman stared at Lisbon with a bemused smile.

"Just wait here." She said retreating without waiting for a reply. Minutes later, Lisbon spotted a familiar face walking towards her.

"If it isn't Pepper herself!" Sam said with irony. "Lizzie here told me you were looking for Pete," she said nodding to the woman beside her "but since he's not here right now you got me. Now what can I do for you?"

"You'll work just as well. We need to talk about Jane."

"I haven't seen Jane in a long time."

"Well neither have I, but contrary to me you actually know where he is."

"What makes you say that? If anyone should know where he is, it's your friends back at the cop shop."

"Well, like I told _Lizzie_" she said not bothering to mask her disdain for the younger girl "I'm not a cop anymore. But I know he's been sending you letters and that you're re-sending them to me."

"Is that so?!"

"Yes it is." She firmly replied. "Besides," she said with a softer tone "I owe you both a thank you for that, so there you go."

Sam watched her face with great care, as if to figure out her intentions. Apparently satisfied with what she saw there, she took a small breath nodding her head in an almost imperceptible manner. "You're welcome." she said in a slightly less aggravated tone. "Come on, let's talk somewhere more private."

Lisbon followed Sam back to her trailer feeling hopeful. Once inside, she took in her surroundings. It was a small place, but there was a pleasant, homey atmosphere to it. Feeling the other woman's stare, she looked up.

"Want some coffee?" Sam asked nonchalantly.

"Sure."

Pouring the liquid into two mugs, her host offered her the one in her right hand and pointed at the small couch by the door. Taking a sit, Lisbon sipped her coffee hoping the hot liquid would give her some sort of encouragement.

_How am I going to do this?_ she wondered. The woman currently sitting in front of her was her only link to Jane, and despite the fact she was apparently willing to listen to what she had to say, it didn't look like she was keen to help. Maybe it was best to be honest.

"I need to know where he is, Sam." she said with pleading eyes. "I promise this has nothing to do with what happened with Red John, I... I need to find him for me. I don't expect you to understand it, but I do expect you to believe me."

Lisbon knew her tone was close to begging, but at that moment she didn't care. Waiting for the other woman to say something, she sat in silence for what seemed like a lifetime.

Sam stared at her for a few moments with a blank expression before rising from her sit. Taking a few short steps towards the small kitchen, she reached for a medium-sized cookie tin can that rested on top of the sink.

Lisbon watched as she walked back to the couch with the container in her hands and shook her head with a small frown.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry."

Amused by her guest's obvious naivete, Sam suppressed a smile between pursed lips. "Just open it."

Blushing, she did as she was told. Removing the lid, she was surprised to find it completely empty.

Before she had the chance to say anything, she heard Sam's voice once again. "There's a fake bottom, just press it."

Following the other woman's instruction, Lisbon pressed her fingers against the cool metal and, to her surprise, it popped up in her hands. Removing the offending part she found a folded envelope and immediately recognized the handwriting.

She met Sam's gaze with wide eyes.

"Go ahead, child. Read it."

Letting out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding, she carefully removed the letter and began to read.

_My dear friends,_

_I know it has been a while, and I hope all is well with both of you. You have probably heard the rumors; I assure you they are true: Red John is gone. _

_At last I kept the promise I made to myself all those years ago and avenged the lives of Angie, Charlotte and so many others; but as I'm sure you're aware of, such deed came with a price._

_No need to worry though, I'm doing well. Once again - and perhaps because old habits really do die hard - I come to you for a favor. You have probably noticed the second letter inside the envelope addressed to Teresa Lisbon. Please make sure she receives it along with any future correspondence I send. While I trust her with my life it's not safe for us to communicate directly, so I ask both of you - my old friends - to assist me with this._

_While you may have gotten off on the wrong foot, please know she would never do anything to hurt me or those I care about. Lisbon possesses the purest heart I have ever seen and I am both lucky and unworthy of having her in my life. My debt to her is eternal, as is my affection. _

_If one day she comes to you asking, please let her know where to find me._

_Thank you. For everything._

_Patrick_

Lisbon felt incredibly embarrassed for crying in front of a stranger, but apparently when it came to Jane's letters she had no control over her feelings.

Holding the envelope with his address in one hand, she looked up to find Sam genuinely smiling at her for the first time.

"Go get him, Pepper." she said still beaming

Not trusting her own voice, Lisbon simply nodded instead. Yes, she would go get him. After all, if recent events had taught her anything, it was to always follow Sam's instructions to the letter.

* * *

**A/N:** For those of you who are still mad about the PCA's, don't be. Our show rocks, we voted fairly, we've got the best actors and WE ARE THE BEST FANDOM. Plus, we had a blast voting together and met a bunch of amazing new people! Can't be mad about that! ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**LETTERS TO LISBON**

**Author's Note: **First of all I'd like to apologize for taking so long to update this. First my computer died, then I bought a new one and it took them forever to deliver it, and then RL got in the way.

This was a very hard chapter for me to write and I'm not sure it turned out the way I wanted it to. Truth is I felt like I just had to post it anyway, otherwise this story would be doomed.

Basically this is me trying to get back on the proverbial horse. Hopefully you guys will be able to forgive me for taking so long to update and will continue to stick with me and this story.

Alright, here goes nothing!

* * *

**CHAPTER 5:**

Morning light broke his slumber. He could hear the birds sing, his usual wake up call, only this time something felt different. Once he opened up his eyes, he felt his heart go all the way up to his throat. The sunshine illuminated the small figure of a woman, her back turned to him. _Teresa? _he thought. No, it simply couldn't be.

Blinking against the light, it took him a few more seconds to realize whose figure he was looking at: Kim's. As he watched her move efficiently around his small kitchen making tea, he took the opportunity to allow his brain a few extra seconds to begin to function properly.

Truth was he immediately felt disappointed. His eyes had betrayed him so many times in the past with visions of Lisbon, and even at times when he knew they couldn't possibly be real he would still feel his pulse increase and his chest begin to absorb the heavy beats. Every single one of those times he had wished she was there. This time was no different.

The sharp pain in his head brought him back from his musings, a clear reminder he probably had a bit too much to drink last night. His jaw hurt and he felt sore and tired all over, and even though he was pretty sure nothing too personal had happened between them, he couldn't help but wonder.

Finding his voice, he said.

"I was very, uh, drunk last night."

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"You got beat up. Here."

Taking the cup from her hand, he felt memories from the previous night come back to him. The fact his head was pounding and his body was stiff and sore made much more sense now. He took a sip of his drink.

"Oh, that is so good."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better now, after this." he said. "You make good tea."

She truly did, he mused.

"Thank you."

They were only a few inches apart from each other now, giving him the chance to study her appearance more closely. She seemed relaxed in spite of the obvious awkward situation they currently found themselves in.

"I got a text this morning. My work. I have to go back today." she said in an almost apologetic manner. "I have a midday flight, and I have to pack, and..."

"Yeah, I understand. You got to go back."

"Yeah. Sorry."

"Oh, no, it's- it's fine." he replied. "Thanks for everything."

Her hug was a surprise and he would be lying if he said it wasn't a pleasant one. It had been a long time since he was hugged like that, and even though he was still trying to wrap his head around what he was feeling, it felt good.

"I really had a wonderful time with you, Patrick." She said smiling.

As he watched her leave, he couldn't help but feeling an emptiness inside. Turning his head, his eyes went straight to the wedding ring currently resting on his bedside table.

He realized now that while taking it off had been somewhat premature (if you could ever call a decade premature), his longing for human contact went beyond anything he could have ever expected - or at least allowed himself to think about.

But no, he still wasn't ready. It was almost an irrational feeling he knew, and he couldn't help the frustration that washed over him. He had no reason to keep holding back... it wasn't like he was cheating on Angela or anything, so why did he feel this way?

His life had been on standby for years and while in the past he had a reason to justify that, now it was no longer the case.

Reaching out, he grabbed the golden band from its current resting place. As he touched the cool metal, he felt his heart clench inside his chest.

Putting the ring back on the finger it belonged, he sighed. There he was, at last free from the promise he had made himself years ago, yet still captive of his own feelings. Would it ever end? Would he ever truly be able to move on with his life and build himself a future worth living?

He'd been on the island for over a year now and he still had more questions than answers. He knew he needed to find purpose in life and while he acknowledged he still had a long way to go, he was beginning to understand he wouldn't find what he was looking for there.

Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.

He needed more tea. Lots and lots of tea.

XXXXX

The heat was so intense she could actually see the hot air hovering around her. The flight had been long and uncomfortable, and sleep had refused to claim her because her mind simply wouldn't stop working.

How would he react seeing her there? How would _she_ react seeing him for the first time after so long?

Well, she guessed she'd find out soon enough.

It was still much too early in the morning and she knew she needed a shower and at least a few hours of sleep, but waiting a second longer didn't seem like an option. Looking at the envelope in her hands, she took a deep breath and hailed for a cab.

Getting inside the car she told the driver where to go using her rusty Spanish. The cabbie, Roberto, was nice enough to compliment her on her language skills and attempted to make small talk, but her already over-crowded brain was having a hard time keeping up with the conversation. While she understood Spanish pretty well, it seemed almost impossible to form sentences when she felt as if her heart was lodged in her throat.

Once they arrived she paid for the fare, bidding Roberto goodbye with a small smile before finally getting out.

As she walked down the narrow street, she took in her surroundings; everything was exactly as Jane had described in his letters, from the busy sounds of cars, animals and children playing, down to the rough kind of beauty the village carried within its modest walls.

After carefully inspecting the numbers on the houses she passed by, she could now see her destination in the distance.

She knew she shouldn't be so nervous. This was Jane after all - _her _Jane - her best friend and the man she had grown to love for the better part of a decade.

Still, she had the distinctive feeling her life was about to change for good, something which frightened and excited her at the same time.

Walking towards his home she suddenly froze in place when she saw his front door open and a woman walk out. Confused, Lisbon lowered her gaze to the number painted on the wall to make sure she had the right address. Realizing she did, she simply stood there watching.

While she couldn't completely make out the other woman's features in the distance, Lisbon could see she was about her own age, maybe a few years younger. The girl was tall, her brown hair falling a little below the shoulder line, her movements fierce, yet graceful.

As she watched her descend the stairs and walk down the street, she heard a voice behind her.

"¡Ya era hora!"

Slight startled, she blinked rapidly and looked around her surroundings. '_It was about time'_, someone had said.

Just a few feet away from where she was currently standing, Lisbon found a couple sitting on a bench talking to each other. The woman was in her fifties while the man appeared to be a few years older, somewhere in his early sixties. They didn't seem to even notice Lisbon was standing there, both too enthralled by the scene she had also just witnessed.

"Ella se quedó con él toda la noche." The older woman told her partner in a conspiratorial tone. "Ya era hora de que él encontró a alguien. Es un hombre muy agradable!"

'_Oh my God'_ Lisbon whispered in an almost inaudible voice. Turning her head back to Jane's door, she felt a huge pang inside her chest. _He slept with her_, the older woman said.

Lisbon felt like she couldn't breathe.

_No, no, this can't be, _she thought.

Her brain had paralyzed and her body felt numb. Standing in the middle of the street she realized she was too late.

It had taken her too long to come to him, and now it was all over before it had even started.

After what seemed like an eternity she regained enough of her senses to remember she needed to move. The last thing she wanted was to draw more attention to herself or worst, risk him seeing her standing there.

Tears started flowing down her cheeks but she couldn't feel them. She couldn't feel anything.

She was a fool… a fool for coming, a fool allowing herself to dream she actually had a place by his side and even a bigger fool for loving him.

Mustering up all the strength and dignity she had left, Lisbon got in the first cab she saw and in a chocked voice told the driver to go straight to the airport.

With a bitter smile she realized she'd been right about one thing all along: her life had changed for good. Not at all the way she had expected it to, but just as definite.

She'd go home and find a way to put this behind her somehow, find a way to survive this. How? She had no idea. Right now it hurt too much to think about anything.

To her own distaste, right now all she could do was cry.

And so she did.

XXXXX

He'd spent the entire morning thinking about his life and the choices he'd made, while contemplating the ones he was yet to make.

Then Kim had found him at the seaside bar to gave him the book she'd been reading when they first met.

Actually she ended up giving him more than a book. She also offered him a kiss on the cheek, her phone number and precious advice.

_'Going back doesn't have to mean going backwards. It can mean moving on.' _she had said.

He knew she was right, of course.

Turning his head he saw Roger sitting quietly and alone in his usual corner. Ever since he came to the island, he had never managed to get more than 5 words out of the older man's mouth.

Looking inside his eyes Jane realized that he could very well end up like him in a few years, old, lost and completely alone.

Right at that moment a wave of determination swept over him.

He still wasn't sure about many things, but one thing he was now certain of: it was time to move on.

Flipping the napkin Kim gave him only a few short moments before, he grabbed a pen and started writing his terms. He didn't need to think much before the first and most important one came to mind: Lisbon.

If this was to become a new chapter in his life, he needed her there beside him. Together they'd build themselves a brand new future, and to his own surprise, he found himself looking forward to it.

Rising from his seat, he took the napkin and hurriedly made his way out of Alfredo's. He had a phone call to make. Abbott would be thrilled.

* * *

**A/N:** Are you guys still with me? I sure hope so! If you are, I'd love to hear your thoughts


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